Tell your mom that you're gay

Dear Amy: I am a 45-year-old man, own my own business, sit on the boards of several charities, and enjoy sports and travel.

I am also gay, and I have been in a committed relationship for more than seven years.

All of my friends, associates and family know about my personal life, with one glaring exception: my mother.

She is a healthy, vibrant woman who will turn 78 next year. She is a widow, in great health and has plenty of money. We have traveled together, and I spend all my holidays with her, my sister and my sister's family.

I am being terribly unfair to my partner who is being excluded from my family. More important, I am not being honest with my mother. This is the only aspect of my life that is making me truly unhappy.

My sister said the time has come for me to sit down and tell our mother the facts of my life. But I am afraid of letting my mother down. I have rationalized this for years by saying that she would not understand because of her religious upbringing.

My mother is not living in a cave. She has had many interactions with other gay people (including some of my friends) with traces of disapproval.

I cannot imagine why she doesn't ask me to my face why I am not married at my age or have never had a relationship with a woman since college.

Do I sit her down and tell her the truth? Or do I let her go to her grave without my "coming out" and confirming any suspicions she may have?

-- Out, But Not Out

Dear Out: Your mother might not be asking you pointed questions about your life because she is wondering why her middle-age gay son chooses to be in the closet. She may wonder whether you are ashamed of your orientation.

Or she's a little dense and hasn't put all of the pieces together.

You need to tell your mother about yourself and give her the opportunity to share your life. To not do so (for whatever reason) is just a little bit selfish. To put the burden on her to pry this information out of you is just a little bit cowardly.

You say that this is the only thing in your life making your unhappy. You can fix this by choosing to be authentic. When you do, you'll feel much better.

You can offer your mother support through the organization PFLAG. Its Web site (pflag.org) contains information that might help both of you.

Tell your mom that you're gay
Fresno Bee (subscription), CA